Today, I am sad. And lonely. And a little bit lost.
I’m also peaceful and smiley and excited to walk around this new, exciting campus.
Nothing feels right. Everyhing is new and a little bit hard. Actually, it’s a lot bit hard. So. Damn. Hard. I don’t have a niche yet. They play the wrong type of marimbas here and everyone is more open than me. I know I’ll find the people like me, but it’s hard.
I saw this Jim Rohn quote on a website recently. I feel like I’m always waiting for that until, and now more than ever. So much time spent trying, and so many ‘until’s to be had. One after another – a vicious cycle of effort, failure, triumph. Sometimes a lot of failure and sometimes a lot of triumph. How hard must I try until I can walk this neighborhood and campus and not feel lost? How long until this feels even a little bit like home? How must to I try? How long? How hard?
“How long should you try? Until.” Until this place fits. Until I read the books that I need to. Until the answers I need are here. Until I can converse freely. Until it’s comfortable. Until, until, until. It’s hard now – that’s indisputable. Unquestionable. Being a college freshman was never supposed to be easy. It’s always been a challenge for every person, ever. I really believe that. I miss my family, I miss my friends. But I’m surrounded by a beautiful city full of sparkles and opportunity and chances to live with faith and peace and be in search of justice. I have to try until. I have no choice. If I want to succeed (and of course I do – I’m me), I have to try until. Until, until, until.